I just want normal trousers

I have a shopping problem. Tops are fairly easy. But every time I need to buy a pair of trousers, I take hours. I don’t know why clothing retailers waste money making trousers in shapes and sizes that no one actually wants. I mean, let’s say you’re in a marketing meeting. You’re working for a big company. You’re well respected and until now, you have quite a good track record at making sensible decisions about products.

Then someone gives you the trouser account. And instead of thinking, legs haven’t changed for tens of thousands of years, let’s just go with what works, you decide that the way for you to make your mark on trouserland is to change everything. And to test the market, you decide to manufacture these monstrosities in size 2-4 only.

Not satisfied with your contribution to the world, you flood every single online retailer with your stupid designs. Cropped jeans. Skinny jeans. Super skinny jeans. Ultra-high-waist jeans. Jeggings. Wide leg jeans. Extra wide-leg jeans. The low-rise. The high-rise. The rise-and-shine (now made without leather)…

And that’s just the jeans!

Dear God is it too much to ask for a fucking pair of trousers that go on past my feet, and go around my legs, and fasten at the waist without making me look like one of those nurses from the 90’s with those awful elastic belts, and simultaneously not gaping at the back showing my knickers to all and sundry? How hard is it to just… make a pair of jeans? I don’t want options other than “these ones will fit you”. I don’t have some weird body type. I am a normal-sized woman with average-sized bones. I am 5’6” tall so my legs are regular. I don’t want jeans that scrape the floor when I walk and therefore the seams get ruined after about three hours and I have to buy another pair. I don’t want jeans that look like someone dropped paint on them or vomited on them. I don’t want them to look like the man at the dyehouse was drunk and incompetent and somehow made the seams dark blue and a big oval around my arse light blue so everyone behind me thinks I sat in bleach.

When men buy jeans? They walk to a shelf, pick up their size, pay and leave, knowing this pair will fit exactly the same as all their old pairs did.

I want that. I want to find all the jeans and trousers in one category in any given online store, and I want two options. Jeans or trousers. We only have 500 options because every last one of them is an inadequate trade-off designed to ruin our self-esteem so we are forced to go shopping again.

I am sick of taking on the mental load of thinking about clothes. I just want to not be naked in public. That’s really all I want from my clothes. Why can’t the clothing industry make that happen with the least amount of fuss and fanfare as possible?

Could you imagine if some totally random industry, like the car industry or the gardening industry, had options as stupid as women’s trousers? They’d never get investors!

“Uh, yeah, so I want to bring out a brand of car that has seats that are too short, so the headrest stabs people in the back. I want the steering wheel to be triangular so it looks really cool but doesn’t turn the car around corners. And I want no cupholders or those little door pockets. Gloveboxes are right out. Every car owner will need to buy a trailer which will be sold separately and may or may not actually fit their phone and purse. Oh, and the paint will flake off after six months so you have to scrap it and buy a new one every year, and we’ll manufacture them in Shantytown, Nowhereistan, so those people who attend protests all bully their friends for owning our cars. For colour ranges? Why don’t we just get a cat to shit on it and sell it like that? We’ll call it post-post-postmodernism.”

“Hi, I’m designing a new seed for people’s vegetable patches. The plant will have no leaves, flower heads, fruit, vegetables or petals and the root system will only work in a climate that’s Everest in the summer and the Sahara in the winter. We’ll make it sell by removing any actual vegetables from the seed catalogue this year. Oh and we’ll size it so there’s half a seed in each packet. It will be inedible. We will call it post-foodism and target 18-25-year-old gardeners with about two acres of land who live in the inner city.”

It’s like clothing companies utterly misunderstand the average requirements of their customers. And they’re wondering how the Arcadia Group and Debenhams collapsed within about a year of each other, emptying half the British high street in any given town. We don’t want to be sold shit that is impractical and has a lifespan of about 3 months unless you wash it. There’s only so many times you can rip off customers before they just stop buying.

So if you’re a clothing designer and you just got your first big contract, how about making trousers like this:

  1. They actually fit. Around the waist and the leg. At the same time.
  2. They are made of a fabric that you can’t see daylight through when you hold it up to a window.
  3. The seams are stitched so they don’t tear apart or unravel in normal use.
  4. The button holes are big enough for the buttons.
  5. The colour is something you could see the average woman wearing on a rainy day in Sutton Coldfield or Twickenham.
  6. There are no stupid words on them. If you must put your brand name on them, the only appropriate location on trousers is a leather patch near the belt loops.
  7. Don’t ruin them by embellishing them with some stupid ribbon down the sides of the leg that means I have to buy new trousers in a year and can only wear them with two jumpers unless I buy more.
  8. Refer to an actual size chart with measurements before calling something a size 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 etc. In this day and age, people don’t want a size 8 that only fits a size 10, or a size 16 that a 12 couldn’t get into. People are shopping online and returns are expensive and make people mad because they didn’t get to wear their clothes when they wanted to. Standardize your fucking sizes. I had to send about £125 of a £200 order back to ASOS.com recently because sizing is meaningless to clothing companies. I am a very consistent middle-of-the-road 8. There is no reason for jeans to be sized with a different system to trousers, they both go on my same legs. I don’t know what a 26, 27, 28, S, R or L mean, or how you’ve sized the hips if 28 is the waist. I know I am an 8. Make trousers in an 8. Jeans are trousers, stop kidding yourself that they’re special or different.
  9. If your clothing is targeted at over 30s (which I recommend; there are a lot of us and we’d be more economically active if you sold stuff we wanted to buy), consider the fact that we are likely to have had at least one pregnancy, and therefore our ribcages and waistlines have shifted. Letting out the waists by about 1-2 inches would give a much better fit for each size.
  10. Don’t bother making clothes in a size 2. I can 100% guarantee you’ll have several thousand pairs of trousers left over in a size 2 which you won’t even be able to get rid of in a sale.

Sort your shit out and make normal trousers for normal people. What is normal? How about stop wasting time on pointless unanswerable pontifications and go make some better trousers, fashion industry!

[travel] How Many Pairs Of Socks? How Many Panties?

It doesn’t matter how many times I go anywhere. The size of the bag seems to make no difference. I always find myself, about an hour before I am due to depart, hanging around my smalls, trying to decide on the fundamentals of travel packing: How many socks, how many panties?

Go on, snigger.

Then tell me in all honesty that you’re totally confident with your sock-panty quantities.

Hmm.

If I’m going away for less than a week, I take a pair for every day that I’m away. It’s a bit difficult, as a girl, because there are so many different types of both – there are ankle socks, knee socks, hose, stockings, pop socks, those annoying socks that come between the ankle and the knee. The ones that shrink the first time you wear them.

If you consider colour, then that’s a whole different minefield again. Do you take opaque black stockings or bare leg tights? Will neon brighten up your legs or make you look like a slapper? Can Christmas socks ever be cool if it’s not Christmas? What about that pair of socks you really like, but are as itchy as chilli powder?

Here’s the way the boys do it: Just pack five pairs of plain black socks. Then pack pants according to the following formula (based on actual conversations with men):

n = number of weeks; p = number of pants.

p = 4n, where any number of days is rounded up to the first week (so always at least 4 pairs of pants). So if you were going somewhere for 2 weeks, p = 4 x 2 which is 8 pairs of pants.

I’m not convinced this is going to work for girls. Socks or pants. The thing is, if men wear jeans, they wear the same sock type and pant type as they sport if they’re donning formal trousers, bermuda shorts (unless they go commando to avoid sand deposits), dungarees… are there any other types of trousers that men under 50 even wear? I don’t know about them. Men’s clothing is mysteriously simple. I envy them. It doesn’t matter what else they pack, their socks and pants will go with everything, because they are designed to. Men choose their pants based on what feels most comfy/makes them feel sexy (sometimes), whereas women often have to pick their underwear based on whether people will see it under their dress. I remember when I was at school, doing Maths A-level, and the maths teacher used to wear a plain black cheap suit – but the trousers were so thin that you could see the triangular line of her panties indented through the fabric. AAARRRGH EMBARRASSMENT ALL ROUND! I have always had a horror of that, because there’s nothing more awkward than knowing that your maths teacher buys her panties from ASDA’s cheapest plain multipack. The kind your mum buys you when you’re eight. I can’t even begin to comprehend it. Thing was, I’m fairly sure she was blissfully unaware that she had this huge honking great panty line, and had no idea that people were seeing it – and judging her for it, and making all sorts of assumptions. Don’t be that person.

If girls could get away with that there would be no beauty blogs or fashion blogs, so while I envy men, I also feel sorry for them that they don’t have as much choice as us.

So you will need the following:

For every dress you have packed: One thong and one pair of tights. Don’t bother with stockings unless you know how to ask for a suspender belt in Swahili for when yours breaks. They’re not very well made these days (I’m not old enough to know if they ever were, but people tell me things used to be better in their day).

For every pair of trekking trousers: One pair of bikini briefs* or girlboxers and one pair of socks (the fabric can chafe in thongs).
For every pair of jeans: Thong or girlboxers, and one pair of socks.

For every pair of shorts: Thong or bikini briefs and one pair of socks.

For every sarong: A swimsuit or an actual bikini/tankini, and some flip-flops.
For every floor length skirt: Loose cotton girlboxers and one pair of socks.
For every miniskirt: Thong and bare legs unless you’re going somewhere cold, in which case cover legs with leggings, unless it’s too cold, in which case just leave the miniskirt/dress behind.
*Bikini briefs – not the same as bikini bottoms. A bikini brief is a high leg panty which is halfway between a thong and a girl boxer. It’s useful in hotter weather but the elastic can be just as chafing as thongs, but in a different place. Depends on where your chafe-immunity is, I guess.

You need underwear options so that you feel comfortable whatever the weather and during every activity you undertake, but you don’t need underwear that doesn’t fit properly, is worn or frayed, stained, faded, uncomfortable, or the elastic just doesn’t behave. When do we ever pack for our needs though? Last time I went on a long trip, I took about four different swimwear options (underwired tankinis, so the tops could double as non-swimming tops), but I only actually went swimming once, in an indoor hotel pool in Sindenfingel, and I also went to the beach once. I was delusionally expecting to spend more time at the beach, even though my overland route didn’t allow for any stopping points at any beaches because there weren’t any within range of the roads we were taking until the last day, on the way back through Belgium, when we saw a sign for a beach, and took a detour. It had been blazing sunshine until we started walking towards the beach, then suddenly it turned overcast, the way was filled with prickly plants, and there was a constant stream of sand being blown into my right ear. But I got to wear one of my swimming outfits. Although I didn’t go within fifty feet of the sea. It was far too cold.

My point is, I probably only needed two or three of those swimwear options. I certainly didn’t need four. But if there’s room in your bag or your campervan storage locker, why not have options? I think I had one item that I didn’t even wear on a three week trip with a capsule wardrobe.  Again, I thought there’d be more random stopping points, and was expecting to climb some mountains somewhere during our two alpine crossings, but this did not happen, so I didn’t need the 3/4 length walking trousers I’d packed. **UPDATE AT BOTTOM OF ARTICLE – THEY DID GET WORN – I HAVE PROOF!!**

In relation to the how many socks and knickers question, take as many as you like, as many as you feel comfortable wearing. Just remember, only take what you can carry if you are backpacking. And remember a carrier bag to put the dirties in.

I have been contemplating downsizing my underwear and sock collection in my actual home and am currently still trying to comprehend the formula for this which will create a sock and panty equilibrium that I can live with, as part of my pledge (to myself) to minimalize my life. The last thing I want is to get rid of all my undies then have to go straight to M&S to get sized up for some more because I got rid of too many.

I thought I would have a chance to minimalize my underwear and socks today, and have been looking forward to getting stuck into it all week, but between marking 40 mock exam papers for the school I work at, and my next-door-neighbours playing music so loud we could hear it clearly in our car as we left our house, I haven’t really had the time or space to get this done. Nothing kills my concentration faster than “boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom” for 6 hours.

I will update you on the permanent underwear quandary once it is solved. In the meantime, enjoy sorting through your panties and socks, and let me know via the comments if you’ve minimalised this area of your life either for holiday packing or 24/7 living, as I’d be very interested to know what works for you.

UPDATE: I have been shown a photo from our drive to Rome six months ago which shows I definitely did wear the three quarter length loose trousers (aww, my hair was so much darker then).  My packing was all used!! Huzzah! :

Those trousers definitely got worn - Schloss Hellbrun, nr. Salzburg, Austria.
Those trousers definitely got worn – Schloss Hellbrun, nr. Salzburg, Austria.